Why military life creates unique co-parenting challenges
Military life is extremely unique, as nothing is ever set in stone for too long. Many separating families crave stability and routine and indeed, that is what we usually strive to achieve in order to minimise anxieties. However, that is simply impossible with most military families, who are subjected to changing duties and deployment schedules every few months, or even years.
Communication lines can often be extremely limited, depending on the area of service. A clear agreement and willingness from the non-service member to promote and encourage indirect forms of communication such as facetime calls or voice notes, is key. This is the most successful way of achieving a feeling of stability and safety for the children.
If managed effectively, this will enable the child to maintain a relationship with both parents, despite location or frequency of contact.
Creating child arrangements that can adapt to military commitments
The best way to minimise any anxiety or uncertainty when addressing overall arrangements for children, is to consider the practical implications of deployment in plenty of time.Usually, the serving member will be given notice of a deployment. Conversations therefore need to be had early on as to what the non-serving parent is prepared to facilitate during deployment and after. During a deployment, this will include indirect communication such as video calls or messages, including any priority in arrangements when returning from leave. For example, a block of time when first returning, or the first couple of weekends, if applicable.
Much of the organisation and arrangements will depend on the child’s routine and what will be in their best interest. It is very difficult to manage, but parents will need to step back and think carefully about what would work in practice. Details such as travel time and availability of local military accommodation will need to be booked ahead, so that any barrier to facilitating immediate contact is removed.
Managing contact during deployments and extended absences
The obligation to maintain communication when deployed should not just be on the serving parent. The non-serving parent should also commit to providing regular updates in relation to schooling achievements, as well as any other relevant medical information. Various parenting apps can be used to facilitate this, depending on the quality of communication between parents in order to limit conflict.
Revisiting arrangements following a new posting or relocation
It may be necessary to review the current arrangement should a new posting assignment be received without a significant notice period. In principle, this should not be a major hurdle provided the foundations surrounding communication on these adjustments have been established early on. A detailed parenting plan could help with this and ensure that most eventualities have been addressed.
How the court approaches child arrangements in military families
The court’s main focus will be the welfare of the children and unless there are any welfare concerns, the court will expect a child to have the opportunity to spend time with and speak with both parents on a regular basis. All family set ups are different and there is no right or wrong approach. Consistency and full transparency is keep. The court will always encourage parents to reach an agreement together, but in some high conflict cases this may not be possible. There are other methods available to try and support a coparenting relationship in a safe environment, which can involve certain therapeutic work. The appropriateness of that would need to be explored thoroughly with the Court’s input if necessary.
Can a child arrangements order be changed because of a posting?
It is very difficult to obtain a ‘one size fits all’ child arrangements order. The court also prefer to avoid micromanaging every single aspect of the arrangements, as the parents need to take some responsibility as well.
If a significant change is needed, then best practice would be to amend the order, either by consent or with the court’s help if you cannot agree. This will protect you both should the issue of enforceability ever comes into question. The court will not just ‘rubber stamp’ an agreement to vary, not will it make an order if it does not feel one is necessary. The court will want to ensure the change is in the child’s best interest.
Examples of the need to change an order could be due to poor preparation to begin with, such as failing to address how much notice should be given on deployment schedules, or lack of agreement as what should happen, for example, if certain plans have been made that cannot be changed meaning that the serving parent cannot make up additional time when they return from deployment.
A reasonable balance is required from both parents, when adapting to last minute changes in schedule. If plans cannot be moved with ease, or last-minute deployment cannot be helped, parents are expected to take a mature approach and put the child’s feelings and needs first, above any inconvenience that might cause.
How can Goughs help?
Goughs can help you draft a carefully thought-out parenting agreement or support you in obtaining a detailed Child Arrangements Order, that addresses most (not all because nobody has a crystal ball!), scenarios that you may expect to encounter when navigating military life as co parents.
We can also support you with other options that might be available to limit conflict when it comes to supporting communication between the child and other parent, in addition to exploring other routes that might benefit the family, such as counselling or therapeutic work.
